Honor your husband

I seem to have "forgotten" something in the vows. Honor. It is a word we do not use towards our spouses. We use it for soldiers (unless we protest the war) we use it for kids "honor your father and mother" but do they know what it means? Usually we are telling them to make them obey. We want companies to honor our coupon, or a sale, or their return policy. But what does it really mean and what does it have to do with our spouse?

Again, I go to Mr. Webster:

synonyms honor, homage, reverence, deference mean respect and esteem shown to another. honor may apply to the recognition of one's right to great respect or to any expression of such recognition . homage adds the implication of accompanying praise. reverence implies profound respect mingled with love, devotion, or awe. deference implies a yielding or submitting to another's judgment or preference out of respect or reverence .

Reverence? Honor? Me? To him? yup! Some may be smugly thinking "man I am glad I did not have that in my vows." Problem is, it is what God expects of us also.

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1Peter 3:7

Honor all people, ( yup, your husband is a person!)love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king. 1 Peter 2:17

You know what I found? I would go to church women's meetings and most would start with gossip, from there it would go to the bad things that their husband does. This would then be gossiped by the rest of the people there. Everyone would "help" by telling them what they should and should not do because their husband does such and such or else it was like a "who can top this" time where people the women would really get going about how bad their husband is. My husband was pastor of five churches over his 30 years in the ministry. I would go to the women's meetings and end up trying to change it and finally giving up and not going any more. It was supposed to be a church women's group, or women's missionary group and was just a gossip and husband bashing with some Bible and how to help the missionaries in between.

Then there are the women who down their husbands, in public and to their face. "I told you not to do that" or "why do you always..." etc.

Honor? Respect? Reverence? I think not!

Think about things you say to and about your husband. In honoring and respecting him you are also honoring and reverencing the Lord. It will have a major impact on your husband and for the Lord. It is not the way the world thinks, but it is the way God wants us to live. Like love, it is not a feeling, it is a decision to do, an action. Not because we may want to, but because it is right.

Till death do us part

I do hope you all had a great thanksgiving and remembered to thank the One Who has given you all things.

This post was to be up long ago today. Instead I have been trying to get up a sign up for a newsletter. I spent all day on it and still do not have it working. Frustration!

Today I have been thinking a lot about my family. I have four kids in Maine, all grown, married and parents. My oldest son has four kids, the next one down has two. My oldest daughter has two step kids and the middle daughter has five kids. All of them live in Maine. My youngest lives in North Carolina and she,too, is married and has one child. My husband's three kids are all in Texas and close. They are married and each have one child and one has a second due in March.

For me holidays are hard. I love all my children, step and ones I gave birth too. It is hard being away from most of them all the time. Money limits my seeing the ones not in Texas. Birthdays and holidays make things so hard.

One thing though, I have a wonderful husband who understands my feelings and hurtings. He loves me dearly as I do him. When I think of our vows I feel the better and I feel the worse in being away. His home was in Texas, mine was with my family. He owned his home, I was a vagabond of sorts. Moving here had it's heartaches and still does at times. However, I know I married the man God chose for me and that it is till death do us part.

So many think it is till they get tired of each other, or someone better comes along or they do not want to be married anymore. Death do us part is as long as we are living on this earth.

God does have some exception. Adultery is a reason that a marriage can be broken up and the other person have the right to remarry. However, it does not mean they have to leave the offending spouse. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing if the person means it and regains the trust and respect by proving their apology.

I also believe that abuse needs to mean a separation for the safety of the abused party. If the abuser gets counseling and is healed, than the reconciliation should happen.

Till death do us part is a wonderful promise when you are married. It is a security that living together can't give, If you are not yet married, pray for the man you will marry and that God will bring him into your life. Pray for God to direct you both and for the assurance to both of you that this is the one.

I am so happy with Rick. God led us together and gave me the assurance that even though it was a move to Texas he was the man I should marry.

Pray Pray Pray!!

That Dirty Four Letter Word

OBEY!

Yup, it was in my vows. It is in the Bible.

"Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,because we are members of His body.For this reason a man should leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:22-6:9

Too many today, to either avoid breaking the vow or out of following the worldly advice, do not have "obey" in their vows. It is not a word we like. Submit, obey, gives us a bad feeling. Most of us are independent, have a brain and think it means we can't use it.

Not So! We are to obey and submit, but he is to love. Someone who is loving and you know has your best interest at heart is much easier to submit to.

Look at the verses. We are to obey our husbands as we do the Lord. He is to love us like the Lord loves. WOW! We both have tough jobs that really can't be done on our own. He must depend on God to love us that way and we must depend on God to obey.

It is only through drawing near to God and work on loving our husbands that we can be submissive. I have a loving husband and most of the time do not have a huge problem submitting. We talk things over and I give my thoughts, or Scripture or desires and he gives his. Most of the time we come to agreement, and very often it is he seeing I was right. He is not a "pansy". If we have a real disagreement I submit to him.

It is our husbands who will face the Lord someday for how they treat us, but we will face Him for our submission. God will also bless us for submitting. However, watch your attitude!! If you are like me there are times that I give in with a grumbling heart. This is not submission! Submission is to humbly and lovingly let him make the decision because it is not only in submission to him, but in submission to God.

Like the cartoon above, I have seen marriages where the man thinks he is the boss. His wife is the peon slave. Not so ! When God said that he will make a "helpmeet for Adam" He meant a helper fit for Adam. Someone to walk by him and help him. A tyrant boss is hard to help. If you are in a marriage like that, pray for your husband. Do not pray with the attitude that he needs to change for you, but, rather, that he should change to please to Lord. Ask God to show you how to be the wife he needs to reach him. This will take changing on your part too.

Love

"To love ..." We all have our ideas on love. I love my dog. I love Law and Order. I love the ocean. I love my car and I love my kids. I also love my husband. Different loves.

When the Bible speaks of the love between a husband and wife it is an action word. It is not the mushy gushy feeling you have for the person. Emotions and mushy gushies come and go, but love lasts.

When we promise to love we are promising action; nurturing, cherishing, kindness and putting the other one first.

God is love, we love because of God's love. Without Him it is very hard to keep love going. It is hard anyway! I mean, what couple really has perfect harmony with out a lot of effort and prayer?

Rick and I get along well, I prayed much before we ever married so some things just work. However, we both have to overlook faults with the other and do a lot of loving actions. Some may feel this is hypocritical. However, since love is an action, not a feeling, the action will bring about the feelings if it is done with the right attitude.

What happens when you get on edge with each other? What steps can you take to be loving?

• Cool off yourself. For me, sometimes the cooling off comes by doing something when I do not want to. If we are of different opinions about something and get into it, sometimes just doing something nice for him or something he has wanted ( like the pants he likes that popped a button the last time he wore it..2 months ago) I will fix the pants, make a special treat etc. I cool off knowing I am doing something for him, and he cools off getting the special treatment. We are then free to talk things over.
• Take a walk. If you opt for taking a drive, be sure that you are not so upset that you are not safe on the road. If you drive, get him/her a treat if you can.
• Take a shower or bath. Somehow it just relaxes
• Do not come at each other with negatives, sarcasm or threats. This will not build love and will destroy what you want as goal, even if at that moment it seems like what you want to do.
• Pray! I walk and pray, or do things and pray. It helps me get my perspective back and gives me ideas for showing the love I need to be showing.
  

Love, it is a beautiful thing. It is a commitment to the other person that you will be there doing for them no matter what. It is a bond. I find love can be so easy, yet there are times when it is stretched. However, if we go into the marriage knowing that it is for life and that the mushy gushy may come and go, since it is not love, love will last. Love is a decision we make and an action we take.

One caution here. If you are being abused or your children are, you need to get out and get help/ I am not saying divorce, I am saying help. We love, but sometimes love needs to make the other person responsible for what they are doing and give them the option to change. This is a hard decision, but out of love you need to do something to make them face up to it. The marriage can go on and be loving if you get help. Abuse is not love, nor is putting up with it dangerously.

Sickness and Health

Sickness. It comes to all of us at one time or another. Maybe all minor things, injuries, flu's, colds etc. but sooner or later there will be something more than the minor. Old age hits and we slow down even more (at least most of us!).

I have been shocked over the years of the number of marriages that broke up over sickness. Someone comes down with something serious and the spouse takes off, has an affair or just walks out on the sick person. Promises were made, but abandoned because the bad came.

For me, I can speak from experience about sickness. One year after I married my husband became diabetic. It was hard to accept, but once we did we worked together. You see, the sickness is not just one person's problem. Becoming one flesh, means that the spouse's illness becomes your struggle too. For us, we decided that the family was going to eat one meal. I would make his diet and we would eat his diet. For years I did not use more than 5 lbs of sugar in a year, and that was for cookies at Christmas or kids birthday cakes.

Back then you did not have blood tests at home, so you had to watch your urine. The sugar was slow to register, so ups and downs were more unpredictable. I learned how to tell if he was low and to care for it.

In 1995 he had a heart attack at age 46. He lay in the CCU for 3 weeks not knowing if he will make it or not. Our lives really changed at that point. Doctor errors caused his kidneys to stop and his heart to drop down to hardly working. The next 4 years were filled with care giving and the stress of knowing he could drop dead at any moment.

Sickness. It may not come as it did to me, but I can't imagine someone having their spouse walk out on them at that time. My heart was so filled with love and compassion on my husband that being there and being all I could be was not just a matter of a vow, even though that was important, but a matter of love.

Health is easy to take, but when you are committed to your vow and your love, sickness is much easier to handle.

Pray for your commitment to deepen and your love to grow.

For Better or Worse

Wow, here it is Tuesday already and I am behind in my posting. I seem to be having a lot of "One of those weeks" lately. How about you? Seems things just are too busy, stressed, plans made and then you can't follow through because of the fires that pop up and need to be cared for immediately. They can sure put a stress on your life, marriage and family.

Our vows say "for better or worse". DO you sometimes feel the worse out weighs the better? It may not even be a problem between you and your spouse to begin with, but rather life. Life happens. Plans get all bummed up. The past may come in to haunt us, an accident may happen, sickness, things just unseen ahead of time.

My first husband and I had a good relationship. Great in fact! Yet when we married he was in school and it was rough. I planned on working him through college and seminary before we began our family. HAHA Our first was due on our first anniversary. We had decided I would be a stay at home mom when the children arrived, and now we were being tested. He made $30 a week at a part time job while going to college. I had been supporting us. Ut oh, some "worse" was happening! We kept with our decision and trusted the Lord. He supplied in ways I never thought possible.

By the time seminary was over we had 4 children, no money but God had cared for us. We did not live on welfare, yet had our needs supplied. However, we had also gone through sickness where he lost a year of seminary, layoff at his job and had no income till he found another and numerous other "worse".

I could go on as to the "worse" we had to deal with over the years until his death, but it was a lot of sticking to the vows and not to feelings.

I am now remarried and there are different kinds of things to deal with. To me living in Texas is a "worse". I am away from family, it is not very pretty, there are rattlesnakes and all kinds of things that bite or stick you. (On the other hand no snow to deal with!). I have a husband that had been married before and divorced. He has his past and it is now part of me to deal with. Some of the worse most would think. I have to deal with an ex on a weekly basis. Our plans get interrupted because of his past family. (Lest you think he has young children, he does not, they are all married and have families). We still have to deal with it as well as other things. He came with baggage, I come with baggage and this is part of the worse.

Finances, living conditions, anger, loss of job, loss of a child, many things come under the worse banner. I also find the "worse" is different for different people. You may love Texas with it's rattlesnakes and heat, for you that may be a better, for me it is a worse.

One thing I want to say, and I know many may not agree, part of the worse that you are vowing to should not be abuse. Today there is so much abuse. Maybe it has not changed, we are just more open to talk about it, but I believe it is more. Drugs, drinking, selfcenteredness and sin in general has made abuse so common. Having your life in danger by a spouse is not part of the vow. I believe it calls for a separation and counseling if the spouse is willing to go, or you go alone if not. If your life is in danger, get out. If your kids are being abused, get out.

Better or Worse. We all want the better and dream of the better, but every life has it's worse times too. Plan on it coming.

One thing to those who are not married yet. I watch some of the court shows on TV. I have them going while I am doing things. Not sure why I do, maybe because I find it so hard to believe that there are people out there like the ones on these shows, yet they are real people. In my mind crazy much of the time, but real. There are a couple of these judges that really impress me. One professes his Christianity without shame. I enjoy him, as he can be really harsh, but usually tries to be fair. Another one is divorce court. I do not sit in front of this taking in everything, however, that judge is so concerned about these people and seems so wise.

She made a statement to a couple that only dated about a week before marrying. Her warning and advice was to all those thinking of marriage. She said : Make a list of your prospective spouse and write down 10 things you do not like about that person.

I thought that she was being strange at first, but then listened. She said if you do not know 10 thinks that are negatives you do not know them well enough to marry. Everyone has 10 negatives... at least.

Then look at your list. Can you live with those negatives? Be they personal, his/her family, his/her habits etc. Can you live with them if they NEVER improve?

For better or worse. Believe me, the worse will come. Stick with your vows and turn the worse into something to bring you closer to each other.

Wedded

We looked at the vow we make at our wedding ceremony in a previous post and today I would like to look at some of the promises we made when we were making that vow. Wedded husband, wedded wife. I thought about this and wondered why we say that, of course we are marrying them and this is a wedding, seems so obvious to me. I looked up the etymology of the word "wedded". Here is what I found:
Wedded:

Middle English wedden, from Old English weddian; akin to Middle High German wetten to pledge, Old English wedd pledge, Old High German wetti, Gothic wadi, Latin vad-, vas bail, security.

Pledge seemed obvious, but Bail? Security? What is bail? Again I went to the dictionary and found out it is

to remove from danger or harm "the government bailed out the savings and loan industry".

In marrying someone and pledging our vow to be their wedded husband or wedded wife we are also saying we are their bail, their safety net. I must admit there is much security in having someone going through life with you. When you are down, usually they are there to help you up, and vice versa. We are pledging our support, our becoming one with this other person and to be there for them no matter what happens.

Wedded, even the word itself says a lot about the strength of the vow we are making.

Next we see : to have and to hold from this day forward.

Have.I have a computer, I have a pen, I have a husband. But wait! It is more than that. Again, I consulted Mr. Webster:

a: to hold or maintain as a possession, privilege, or entitlement
b: to hold in one's use, service, regard, or at one's disposal
c: to hold, include, or contain as a part or whole

Simple word like have, and look what is involved! We are vowing that we are their possession and they are ours, we will be at their disposal and they at ours. YIKES! What are we getting ourselves into?
Wait! it gets better, we not only say "have" but we say "and to hold"

Hold:
a: to have possession or ownership of or have at one's disposal
b: to have as a privilege or position of responsibility
c: to have as a mark of distinction

There are some of the same ideas with have and hold, but one is reinforcing the other in the strength of the pledge.

I want to say something here, to have at ones possession or disposal does not allow for abuse, but rather a unity. We will look at more of the pledge and especially of love itself in a future post, but I do not want anyone to think that because your husband or wife made a pledge of marriage to you that you have the right to be bossy or abusive (physically or emotionally).

It is a marriage, a becoming one flesh as God put it, a unity. I am hoping that we can all strive for that unity, a God centered marriage and family.

Mistakes Christians Make in Love

Last night I was laying there awake at 3 AM. I had a dream that woke me and then I dozed off and had another dream on the same line as the first. Something out of the ordinary, nothing I was thinking about at bed. By now I was more awake. When this happens I pray and think. Last night God brought to mind a fellow blogger that is currently going through something I experienced and know too well how she feels. I prayed for her for some time, then my mind went to some other thoughts.

As I laid there thinking about something that was brought to my attention this week I realized that it is something that I need to discuss here.

Christians are getting very caught up in what the world says instead of what God says. One of the biggest areas I see is with the family, with love, and with commitment. Remember the little ditty sung by school kids: "first comes love, next comes marriage then comes _____ with a baby carriage"? Today it is all messed up. I think there are many out there that have never heard that because it has long since been considered out dated. However, it is not out dated with God. God still has those priorities. He calls sex outside of marriage "adultery, fornication and whoremonging". Living together before marriage, sex with someone not your spouse and a same sex relationship are all out of God's will and commands. We can't expect His blessing.

Today we see all of these among Christians who claim to be following the Lord. If you are really a born again Christian and are in one of these relationships you will, sooner or later, be chastised by the Lord. Unhappiness, guilt ( the biggie that comes out in different ways) or an uneasiness. If it is an extra marital affair you can be sure that if they cheated with you they will cheat on you at some point.

My heart has gone out to couples who love the Lord and are caught up in these types of relationship or lifestyle. This week someone we know has had their partner walk out. The hurt is there. With no marriage bond, she just left him with no recourse.

Another place Christians get caught up is in marrying the wrong person. In Corinthians it says to not be equally yoked with unbelievers. How many ignore that command? They think it will work, they think they can change him or her and win them for the Lord. It is a command, DON'T Do It! Yet we think we know more than God.

Ever see oxen pulling a wagon or plow? They pick two about the same size, even strength or else the cart or plow will go in circles.
A Christian and a non-Christian have two different goals, two different destinations. The Christian: living for the Lord and heaven, the non-Christian: living for self and hell. It is like a tug of war game each one having different goals and destination.

Again, you can't change your spouse, only God can. Disobedience will not bring blessing.

If you are a Born again Christian, God has a lifestyle for you. Vows, proper steps and blessing are all part of it.

Marriage Vows

When I married the vows I made were as follows:

My Husband said:

"I, Rick,
Take you, Peggie,
To be my wedded wife;
To have and to hold,
From this day forward,
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to honor,
'Till death do us part."



My response was:

"I, Peggie,
Take you, Rick,
To be my wedded husband;
To have and to hold,
From this day forward,
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love, honor and obey,
'Till death do us part."

I am sure in some way or other your vows were similar. Yet how many of us will sometimes, even secretly, think of breaking those vows. I mean "till death do us part" is a long time! For better or worse, wow!

I want to look at our vows over the next few posts. See what is really in a marriage vow. Today I want to look at what a vow is, since we make one when we marry we need to know what we made or are going to make.

Merriam Webster defines a vow as:

a solemn[serious] promise or assertion; specifically : one by which a person is bound to an act, service, or condition. (brackets mine from his synonym for solemn)

When we make a vow it is not to be done lightly. It is a binding to act, binding to a condition (marriage) and binding to a person (our spouse). The Bible says our word should be truth, and that our vows should be kept.

Today too many people do not take their vows seriously. We have disposable marriages. Statistics are not good for people getting married today (and progressively worse for 2nd, 3rd etc marriages) as they do not understand or want to go into it knowing it is something till death do us part. Is your word worth anything? Do you mean what you say? Have you thought through what you did the day you married?

Take a look at your vows, if you are married. If you are not, really contemplate those vows before you step into a life long relationship. Remember, you make those pledges before people. sometimes many people, but more importantly you make them before God. You will need to answer to Him someday for the vows you have made.